75 questions about my life

1. Last hug: My Teddy Bear
2. Last phone call: My Grandparents
3. Last text message: I dont text
4. Last song you heard: Sick Sad World- BOTDF
5. Last time you cried: This morning, nobody was home so I tried to get it out of my system like I do everyday.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: No
7. Been cheated on: Couple times
8. Kissed someone and regretted it: Haven't kissed anyone yet
9. Lost someone special: Yeah
10. Been depressed: Obviously
11. Cried over something stupid: Countless times

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS:
12. Black
13. Red
14. White

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend: Yes
16. Fallen out of love: Yeah I used to like a boy called Brandon but I have given up
17. Laughed so hard you cried: No
18. Met someone who changed you: No, all the same.
19. Found out who your true friends are: Ive always know I have no TRUE friends
20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yup, I've had people talk shit about me every year
21. Kissed anyone on your [Facebook] friends list: Nope

YOUR LIFE:
22. How many people on your [Facebook] friends list do you know in real life: Around 10, maybe 20. I dont like any of them.
23. How many kids do you want: Two
24. Do you have any pets: Puppy named Anha (short for Piranha)
25. Do you want to change your name: Yes
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Me and my sister had our first birthday party in 10 years.
27. What time did you wake up today: 11am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: On IMVU
29. Name something you cannot wait for: Death
30. Last time you saw your mother: About 2 hours ago, she was crying.
31. What is one thing you would change about your life: My head.
32. What are you listening to right now: Go to Hell, for Heaven' Sake by Bring me the Horizon
33. Have you ever talked to a guy named Tom: No
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: Myself
35. Most visited webpage: Mangago.com
36. Nicknames: Rather not say
37. Relationship status: Single
38. Zodiac sign: Gemeni
39. Male or female: Female
40. High school/college: I am in High school and an Early college program
41. Long or short: Very short. Mohawk
42. Height: Around 5"10
43. Do you have a crush on someone: Yup
44. What do you like about yourself: My taste in music
45. Piercings: 1st lobe, Industrial and soon to be tongue.
46. Tattoos: No but want to next year
47. Righty or lefty: Right handed

FIRSTS:
48. First surgery: When I was was 9 I had my tosils removed but when I was 15 I had to have surgery on my left knee and then my right knee becasue of the meniscus.
49. First piercing: Ears
50. First best friend: Ryan, I met him in 5th grade and he was my 1st crush.
51. First sport you joined: None, I hate sunlight so I stay indoors.
52. First vacation: Never

RIGHT NOW:
53. Eating: Ramen
54. Drinking: Lemonade
55. I'm about to: Be a Junior in Highschool
56. Listening to: Cheatercheaterbestfriendeater
57. Waiting for: Nobody
YOUR FUTURE:
58. Want kids: Maybe
59. Get married: Unlikely
60. Career: Special Needs Education. I want to teach children with disablities because they are still human and still deserve attention like normal kids.

WHICH IS BETTER:
61. Lips or eyes: Eyes, I am obsessed with the color of peoples eyes but mine are an ugly bluish gray
62. Hugs or kisses: Kisses. I feel that kissing is more promising than hugs which hold no meaning and can be shared with anyone. (I havent kissed anyone yet though)
63. Shorter or taller: Taller. I hate when a guy is shorter than me because I feel like a monster
64. Older or younger: Older, If they are older than they are more serious.
65. Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic sounds like a fantasy
66. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive....
67. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
HAVE YOU EVER:
68. Kissed a stranger: No
69. Drank hard liquor: No
70. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes
71. Broken someone's heart: Yes. A boy I was dating still liked me but I broke it off because he was always bothering me. It was an online relationship so it didnt hurt so much.
72. Been arrested: No
73. Turned someone down: Yes a boy called Donavian asked me out in 7th grade but he was naive and didnt really like me so I turned him down even though I liked him. Also, in 11th grade, a stranger asked my out but he was younger than me so I said no.
74. Cried when someone died: No
75. Fallen for a friend: No

Random poems

The bloom in my heart
Withering in the ice.
My frozen, beating organ
Has no warmth for the nice.

My meaningless life
My rotting flesh
My corroding heart, still beating
My crimson blood seeps
My wound is only skin deep
Yet my heart weeps.

What a life I have lived,
So sad, so dear, and
So plain.

Blogging

Making this blog and other blogs have helped me to express my feelings. With these words I can get my feelings out into the open and let the wound get air so one day it will heal. If I keep it hidden, it would take longer to heal. Everything I have experienced is neither good nor bad but it has hurt me. I don't know what good or bad even is because they are words and they hold many different meanings but I know that when I am in a relationship with someone across the world, I feel that it is nice and we could take it sloe but there is a loneliness that comes at a price. My Ex cheated on me while we were hundreds of miles apart and it hurt me so it ended.
I have read other blogs and they seem to find the same comfort that I feel when I publish my feelings for people to read. I think that this blogging mechanism is really handy and lifesaving to me.
So, whomever is reading these posts, I am just going to keep on writing and expressing who I am.

Fake

Everyting I try to be is fake. Fake smiles. Fake laughs. Fake interest. Fake. I am tired of the fake life I lead because of others.
I have faked who I am since I was in 7th grade wgen I cut my hair and dyed it pink so that those bullies wouldnt mess with me and people would notice me. But this wasnt the way I wanted to be noticed. I hated that I cut off all the hair I nourished for years and feared to lose. I hated everything I knew I was going to become. FAKE. I was becoming a product of interest for a short while. I became a fake. It felt horrible. Never being who I really was. Different. I hated it. So I broke free from it. I wore what I wanted. Dyed my hair the color I wanted it. Said what I thought (not how I feel).
Yeah, I was still scared by girls and boys who could think that they were actually happy with their life.
Yeah, I didn't express how and what I wanted to do.
BUT I did become more honest with myself.