My painfully sad 1st love

   His name was Ryan Jones, he was in the class next to mine in 4th and 5th grade. I secretly looked at him in 4th grade because I told myself not to communicate with others because in 3rd grade when I was bullied everyone I talked to all were bullied because of me, so I limited myself to only talk to myself and to never trust anyone near me. But when I began to get bullied in 4th grade nobody minded it because it was one of those "oh she didn't talk to me so why should I talk to her?" kind of thing.
   Yet somehow a boy I had only watched from a distance, talked to me one day I was crying on the playground. I had suicidal thoughts everyday, but somehow that boy named Ryan stirred an emotion inside me even I didn't know I had. I didn't know at that time that the warm feeling in my chest would turn ice cold.
   When I cried and sometimes when I didn't cry Ryan would comfort me by hugging me, talking to me and occasionally tell me that I was a very brittle flower. He always had a way with words because he loved poetry. I remember one verse he said very clearly, "Your a very brittle flower, you could snap at any time but your delicate and need lots of care, yet even the most brittle flower make it out of a storm." That was a verse he told me.
  At the same time I experienced that new feeling I felt a great amount of fear of being separated so I tried to push myself from my feeling. I tried so hard not express my feelings to Ryan so we occasionally would talk. He kept comforting for 4th and 5th grade.
   I mixed so many feelings to the point that on the last day of elementary school, me and Ryan were instant messaging each other and I accidentally wrote "That's what I love about you." I hadn't noticed til I pressed enter. I tried to clear up the situation but I just couldn't take it anymore so I told him I loved him. I immediately signed off and the next day he wasn't on so I wrote him a "Sorry" note, telling him to forget all about it. Since then I haven't heard from him and my first love was never answered to this day.
 It has been 4 years since then but me and my stupid self cant seem to forget the feeling I had with him. I have nudged these feelings into my heart and they wont come out no matter how hard I try, he is stuck in my head. I....don't know anymore.
Though through this I have learned about life, death, meanings, loneliness, and non-existing trust.