This Feeling

Have you ever had this feeling where you cant describe it but you know its there? To me, this feeling is always in my heart but I ignore it to the point where my heart physically hurts.

Feeling alone in the world that I don't like. Caught in between the threads of reality and the idea of death, I have imagined my death in countless ways. The feeling I get is indescribable, a subtle change in my mood makes me changes the way I see everything.

"Get out!" Every time we fight, that is my fathers answer. I want out. I want out of this world. Out of this life. Watching the ones I love leave is difficult but I stayed with them while they took their life. Did you know? My first boyfriend was online. We chatted through Skype and spoke on the phone. I was okay with him but his reality was unrealistic. He was what an otaku would call a shinigami (death god). He thought he could control life. The cause of this being that he tampered with death, trying to take his own life before. We talked on and off for some time. This was also a time when I attempted suicide but he did not like me trying. He said the only life that deserved to be taken was his. The reason are unknown to me but I know his family isolated him. No matter the time of day, he could talk. I felt sympathy for him and tried to reason with him to stop attempting death. I repeated that I loved him but it was to no avail. A week passed when I didnt talk to him because he wasnt online and after that I learned he was in the hospital. Why? That was the only thought in my head so I ignored him and cut at my arms and legs without limitations. He said he would try, he said he loved me. Some time passed after that and we talked of stupid things, things others would not understand; our feelings. One day, after I came from school I messaged him. I knew he never logged out of his Facebook so I waited. About 3 hours passed and I received a message from him yet it was not him. His brother sent the message. I deleted or archived it but it went like this.

I understand that you have taken care of my brother.

I am very sorry but this morning my brother passed away.

I do not know why or how you two know each other but I would like it if you forget about my brother. You could not even help him.

Regret decided to embed itself in my heart and I tried to die again but I think this feeling I had stopped just short of my demise. I sincerely wish it had not so that my life could be forfeit.