This Feeling

Have you ever had this feeling where you cant describe it but you know its there? To me, this feeling is always in my heart but I ignore it to the point where my heart physically hurts.

Feeling alone in the world that I don't like. Caught in between the threads of reality and the idea of death, I have imagined my death in countless ways. The feeling I get is indescribable, a subtle change in my mood makes me changes the way I see everything.

"Get out!" Every time we fight, that is my fathers answer. I want out. I want out of this world. Out of this life. Watching the ones I love leave is difficult but I stayed with them while they took their life. Did you know? My first boyfriend was online. We chatted through Skype and spoke on the phone. I was okay with him but his reality was unrealistic. He was what an otaku would call a shinigami (death god). He thought he could control life. The cause of this being that he tampered with death, trying to take his own life before. We talked on and off for some time. This was also a time when I attempted suicide but he did not like me trying. He said the only life that deserved to be taken was his. The reason are unknown to me but I know his family isolated him. No matter the time of day, he could talk. I felt sympathy for him and tried to reason with him to stop attempting death. I repeated that I loved him but it was to no avail. A week passed when I didnt talk to him because he wasnt online and after that I learned he was in the hospital. Why? That was the only thought in my head so I ignored him and cut at my arms and legs without limitations. He said he would try, he said he loved me. Some time passed after that and we talked of stupid things, things others would not understand; our feelings. One day, after I came from school I messaged him. I knew he never logged out of his Facebook so I waited. About 3 hours passed and I received a message from him yet it was not him. His brother sent the message. I deleted or archived it but it went like this.

I understand that you have taken care of my brother.

I am very sorry but this morning my brother passed away.

I do not know why or how you two know each other but I would like it if you forget about my brother. You could not even help him.

Regret decided to embed itself in my heart and I tried to die again but I think this feeling I had stopped just short of my demise. I sincerely wish it had not so that my life could be forfeit.

75 questions about my life

1. Last hug: My Teddy Bear
2. Last phone call: My Grandparents
3. Last text message: I dont text
4. Last song you heard: Sick Sad World- BOTDF
5. Last time you cried: This morning, nobody was home so I tried to get it out of my system like I do everyday.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: No
7. Been cheated on: Couple times
8. Kissed someone and regretted it: Haven't kissed anyone yet
9. Lost someone special: Yeah
10. Been depressed: Obviously
11. Cried over something stupid: Countless times

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS:
12. Black
13. Red
14. White

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend: Yes
16. Fallen out of love: Yeah I used to like a boy called Brandon but I have given up
17. Laughed so hard you cried: No
18. Met someone who changed you: No, all the same.
19. Found out who your true friends are: Ive always know I have no TRUE friends
20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yup, I've had people talk shit about me every year
21. Kissed anyone on your [Facebook] friends list: Nope

YOUR LIFE:
22. How many people on your [Facebook] friends list do you know in real life: Around 10, maybe 20. I dont like any of them.
23. How many kids do you want: Two
24. Do you have any pets: Puppy named Anha (short for Piranha)
25. Do you want to change your name: Yes
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Me and my sister had our first birthday party in 10 years.
27. What time did you wake up today: 11am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: On IMVU
29. Name something you cannot wait for: Death
30. Last time you saw your mother: About 2 hours ago, she was crying.
31. What is one thing you would change about your life: My head.
32. What are you listening to right now: Go to Hell, for Heaven' Sake by Bring me the Horizon
33. Have you ever talked to a guy named Tom: No
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: Myself
35. Most visited webpage: Mangago.com
36. Nicknames: Rather not say
37. Relationship status: Single
38. Zodiac sign: Gemeni
39. Male or female: Female
40. High school/college: I am in High school and an Early college program
41. Long or short: Very short. Mohawk
42. Height: Around 5"10
43. Do you have a crush on someone: Yup
44. What do you like about yourself: My taste in music
45. Piercings: 1st lobe, Industrial and soon to be tongue.
46. Tattoos: No but want to next year
47. Righty or lefty: Right handed

FIRSTS:
48. First surgery: When I was was 9 I had my tosils removed but when I was 15 I had to have surgery on my left knee and then my right knee becasue of the meniscus.
49. First piercing: Ears
50. First best friend: Ryan, I met him in 5th grade and he was my 1st crush.
51. First sport you joined: None, I hate sunlight so I stay indoors.
52. First vacation: Never

RIGHT NOW:
53. Eating: Ramen
54. Drinking: Lemonade
55. I'm about to: Be a Junior in Highschool
56. Listening to: Cheatercheaterbestfriendeater
57. Waiting for: Nobody
YOUR FUTURE:
58. Want kids: Maybe
59. Get married: Unlikely
60. Career: Special Needs Education. I want to teach children with disablities because they are still human and still deserve attention like normal kids.

WHICH IS BETTER:
61. Lips or eyes: Eyes, I am obsessed with the color of peoples eyes but mine are an ugly bluish gray
62. Hugs or kisses: Kisses. I feel that kissing is more promising than hugs which hold no meaning and can be shared with anyone. (I havent kissed anyone yet though)
63. Shorter or taller: Taller. I hate when a guy is shorter than me because I feel like a monster
64. Older or younger: Older, If they are older than they are more serious.
65. Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic sounds like a fantasy
66. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive....
67. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
HAVE YOU EVER:
68. Kissed a stranger: No
69. Drank hard liquor: No
70. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes
71. Broken someone's heart: Yes. A boy I was dating still liked me but I broke it off because he was always bothering me. It was an online relationship so it didnt hurt so much.
72. Been arrested: No
73. Turned someone down: Yes a boy called Donavian asked me out in 7th grade but he was naive and didnt really like me so I turned him down even though I liked him. Also, in 11th grade, a stranger asked my out but he was younger than me so I said no.
74. Cried when someone died: No
75. Fallen for a friend: No

Random poems

The bloom in my heart
Withering in the ice.
My frozen, beating organ
Has no warmth for the nice.

My meaningless life
My rotting flesh
My corroding heart, still beating
My crimson blood seeps
My wound is only skin deep
Yet my heart weeps.

What a life I have lived,
So sad, so dear, and
So plain.

Blogging

Making this blog and other blogs have helped me to express my feelings. With these words I can get my feelings out into the open and let the wound get air so one day it will heal. If I keep it hidden, it would take longer to heal. Everything I have experienced is neither good nor bad but it has hurt me. I don't know what good or bad even is because they are words and they hold many different meanings but I know that when I am in a relationship with someone across the world, I feel that it is nice and we could take it sloe but there is a loneliness that comes at a price. My Ex cheated on me while we were hundreds of miles apart and it hurt me so it ended.
I have read other blogs and they seem to find the same comfort that I feel when I publish my feelings for people to read. I think that this blogging mechanism is really handy and lifesaving to me.
So, whomever is reading these posts, I am just going to keep on writing and expressing who I am.

Fake

Everyting I try to be is fake. Fake smiles. Fake laughs. Fake interest. Fake. I am tired of the fake life I lead because of others.
I have faked who I am since I was in 7th grade wgen I cut my hair and dyed it pink so that those bullies wouldnt mess with me and people would notice me. But this wasnt the way I wanted to be noticed. I hated that I cut off all the hair I nourished for years and feared to lose. I hated everything I knew I was going to become. FAKE. I was becoming a product of interest for a short while. I became a fake. It felt horrible. Never being who I really was. Different. I hated it. So I broke free from it. I wore what I wanted. Dyed my hair the color I wanted it. Said what I thought (not how I feel).
Yeah, I was still scared by girls and boys who could think that they were actually happy with their life.
Yeah, I didn't express how and what I wanted to do.
BUT I did become more honest with myself.

My Awkward Hair Phases

First in 2011 near the end of September I cut my hair short and colored it a dark pink.My mom almost killed me because I had long brown hair that she was so proud of. 

Next was right after my surgery at the end of December 2011, in January I bleached my hair and kept it white for a week while I went to school. After that week I colored my hair purple. It stayed like that til April then I started experimenting.

Then for the end of May, 2012, it was a Social at school so my mom dyed my hair blonde because we were out of Bleach and the tips and roots of my hair turned white and the pink that was in my hair turned a pinkish purple color, the day of the social my mother bought some bright orange from Sally's and just dyed my roots orange so it would look great with my dress.

I have dyed my hair a total of..............15 times and my hair luckily hasn't fallen out yet.

I dyed my hair again on 8/6/12 for my first day of high school. I was rushing because it was the before we started school and at first my mom wanted to bleach my hair go to school, come home, and dye my hair but I didn't want that.

On Valentines day of 2013 I colored my hair back to my natural hair color of sandy brown. I was planing on confessing my love to the boy I liked but he went with a girl and they kissed so my heart was crushed on valentines night. I want to start embracing how I used to look and try and love myself since I cant love at all.

On May 30th, 2013. My birthday. My sister cut my hair for me!! Now I have bangs! YAY!! I decided this for a hairstyle I want to do over summer but it was cut a bit shorter than I wanted do I have to let it grow out a bit.

On June 23rd, 2013. I got a Mohawk!! I finally did it!! I went to a salon and got both sides cut. :D I think I might cut it shorter though because it doesn't feel right. I do like it at this length but maybe if its shorter I can manipulate it easier. My fake smile still stays and seems very convincing. 

On August 18th, 2013. I cut my hair even shorter because of Brendon Urie's hair in "This is Gospel" by P!ATD. I like to experiment with my hair so I want blue hair next!! BLUE!! BLUE!!! 
On January 1st, I cut off all my hair and only left an inch where my mohawk was and 1/8 inch on the sides. New Year Resolution!

Blood on the Dance Floor

I love Blood on the Dance Floor. Their music is amazing. Some songs may be vulgar but I love'em! And some songs are really inspiring which is what I admire about their music. But I also admire Dahvie and Jayy themselves. They have characteristics that make them so darn addictive.
BOTDF's music is misjudged by alot of people and I don't like that. People say that but they only see songs like "Scream for my Ice-Cream", "Sexting" and "I heart Hello Kitty". It really makes me want to slam them in font of my laptop and make them listen to "You are the Heart", "The Right to Love" and "Crucified by your Lies". When I asked my 'friends' about BOTDF's music they said they've heard of them but that their music is "vulgar and obscene". When they said this I put my ear-bud in their ear and played "You are the Heart" and "The Right to Love", after the songs finished my 'friends' seemed shocked and had a more reassured look on their face and one said that her view of them "took a 180 degree turn". There is music that we don't understand but you don't know if you don't understand it, if you don't open your mind to everything and listen. I mean BOTDF have released 40 singles, 1 compilation album and 6 albums total. People are entitled to their opinion but I am not forcing them, I am persuading them. Big difference. Their music is something I look forward to listening to everyday. I wake up everyday and go to their Youtube channel to see if they released any new music. They are currently releasing the album Bad Blood which is totally awesome so far!
Dahvie Vaniy. Dahvies adorable voice doesn't match up with the 'sex-crave' image but because it is, I think it works in his favor and makes him a really cool and unpredictable person. He has been through alot of sh*t which has made him someone I look up to because he struggled through all that and is still making the music he loves despite the issues that arose in the past. I think that Dahvie is really adorable and that makes it hard for me to not get a nose-bleed. ;D I think that the way he shows his love is flashy and wild but that makes him a wonder among everything. 
Jayy Von Monroe. Its a shame he is only interested in guys but that is what I admire about him. He is so open about it and is not ashamed of it at all. He is a really amazing guy! I believe that people who give him hate because of his sexual preference is just pathetic. I mean, don't slam someones music just because you have a problem with their orientation. I support the gay community and I just don't understand people who are against it. Okay, next... Jayy has a personality that you either absolutely hate or completely find amazing and cool. I find that Jayy is completely amazing and strong although he looks weak. That is probably why people target them both is because they look weak but they don't know he has a strong heart and doesn't give a damn about what people say about him.
Together. When those 2 are together either playing around or making music they seem like great friends. Best Friends. Its something I want but when I watch videos of Jayy and Dahvie playing around and having fun, it makes me think that if I become like them then I can be happy too. I find that Dahvie and Jayy are one of the most playful singers Ive seen and I find that singers who are more playful are more likely to enjoy making their music. And I can definitely see that they both put all their effort into loving their fans. When they are together then they bring out the best qualities in each other.