I had to decide if I wanted to die and why.
If I wanted to live and why.
If my life was really worth this suffering.
Why was I alive if not to kill myself.
Why I was targeted.
Why I was the only one in the school.
Was I ugly? I still am
I still deal with suicidal thoughts but I found someone I love but he doesn't know about the cutting. We have been going out for a few weeks but I want to tell in time. I have to deal with this subject myself.
Everyone has a person in the back of their heads telling them to do bad things. That's like with me but my voice is stronger and louder than most because, we, who have been through these things knows what it feels like to be alone and so we listen to the voice and start to talk to them. We are desperate for a friend. I know I was, so I called the voice and he still lives with me loud and clear of his intentions. I have gotten into another couple bands like Sleeping with Sirens, Blood on the Dance floor, Pierce the Veil, B Mike, Snow Patrol, Disturbed, 3 Day Grace and My Chemical Romance (but they just broke up :( )
"Wrists are for bracelets not cutting"
I found this quote and I thought about about it for a long time. And he is right, we need the bracelets to hide the scars of the past and memories of the present. We want to cover up something that we did to ourselves and it's sad that even now, there are kids who think like me.We need the cutting.
I crave for the pain.
I want to know my reality is real
I want an escape for my life and be someone else if only for a minute.
I think that Kellin Quinn said this because he may have so many fans but some commit suicide. It must influence him and how he lives and thinks. But maybe he has dealt with cutting personally and doesn't like it. He, in my opinion is alright.
Next is Blood on the Dance Floor. I actually admire Jayy's mom for doing what she did even if it made hell his life but not many can survive high school without cutting or some release of anger and pain that they feel. Jayy Von Monroe, he is brave and he rose above and is now standing up against bullying. Though alot of people don't know that, he is. He does Suicide Prevention things and he has 2 things to support him. 1. Blood on the Dance Floor 2. Dahvie Vanity.
He is lucky.
I was in the Butterfly Project but I quit. It hurt soooo much. It worked for 5 months but 2 days ago I couldn't do it anymore so I cut and the pain felt so nice.
On June 12th, 2013 I stopped cutting again because I am now going out with a boy named Tyler and he also used to self harm but 3 months ago he stopped and is now helping me to stop. It hurts a little but I think that all I need is someone who will help me and stay with me through this time. I needed the support that Brandon didnt give me. I broke up with Tyler on October 2nd and I wasn't really shocked. I mean I was a guilt girlfriend and we were using each other as a way to support each other. He already had a girlfriend when he broke up with me but its ok because he helped me for 4-5 months. Its February 6th, 2014 and I did it again. I didn't cut my wrist this time. I started to cut my upper arm. It's easier than facing an army of emotions. Emotions that I am tired of.
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