Long lost. Never found.

I have lost many things since I was born. And you have too. I keep losing whats precious to me. I lose almost everything I love. I write letter to lose my love for people I feel for. I hide my feelings in letters. I kill my feelings and lost myself in the process.
I lost my sense of sexuality at 9. I lost it when I fell in love with a girl at a sleepover and she proposed adult acts that happen between 2 girls. I was afraid because she was 14 and I was 9. I was thoroughly hurt by her. That night we didn't go far but after that I never saw her again and changed my preferences to girls.
After that was when the bullying began. I was left by every friend I ever had. I was beaten up by boys that bullied me. After that I left school and my mother she home-schooled me. Though it made no difference I would have to be put back a grade to avoid contact from those hateful boys. But none of it helped. I was bullied once again by people in class. They had no no heart. They tripped me at lunch. They said things about me. They did everything that hurts me today.
I was a loner for 6 years. I thought about committing suicide but I am surprisingly still here today. I tried my best to avoid situation like that. I cut off the hair I loved. And dyed the color of my hair that I loved. I wanted to start new so in 7th grade I got a haircut and it hurt my heart to see the hair that I cherished for 13 years was on the floor. And my hair was only a inch from my head. I dyed the color of my hair to pink. I had to. Everyone loves pink so the color I so loved was colored with ugly desire to be normal.

Disowned

About a week ago my Grandmother disowned my father and said "to hell with it" to us. My Grandmother is ruthless, heartless woman who only thinks of the money she can get out of our Grandpa. I already know she isn't a money grubber but seriously I have packed my bags to go to her house and have had to unpack my bag because something else was more important to her(mowing her llawn is what she told me over the phone). I really don't want to ever see that old hags face again!

SandHoke Early Collge High School

Just like the name it is a high school to prepare us students for college and our school is different because it is a 5 year high school unlike the 4 years at regular High School. I am a freshman and school started last Monday. The classes are 90 minutes long, with about 20 students in each class. It is very efficient to study in this school-college-environment. If any high schools were to come with enough knowledge they could get in too. Like for the Freshmen only 75 students made it out of the 3 middle school's and into this Early College High School. You should check it out if you get the chance to.

Mana

Mana is a Japanese musician and fashion designer. He is best known for his role as leader and guitarist of the visual kei rock band Malice Mizer. He is a quiet(how I describe someone who rarely speaks in public) probably because of shyness or because he has a complex of his voice. Many people I asked said that he looked like a girl because of his clothes (that compliment his face). Many said he shouldnt wear girl clothes but my opinion is that he wears Gothic Lolita fashion because he enjoys it and it says something about him, like his personality. I think his personalty is that is a shy yet unexpected sense to it. He is currently in the band Moi dix Mois.

K-POP

In the past week I have discovered 3 different Korean bands that just debuted or are a new band. There is B.A.P, INFINITE, MBLAQ and B1A4. I have been watching Sesame Player for about a week and have finished the MBLAQ and INFINITE seasons and am on B1A4 season episode 8. I thought this was hilarious when I first watched it! And it still is.

I am the sickly child

 Since the age of 4, I have had to take differnt kinds of medicine like allergy med, nose spray, nasal stray, pain killers, asprin, and some other meds to relive pain that comes into my life physically and mentally. I have been told that I am cold-hearted, ruthless, cruel, scary, and mean by many people including some relatives, but I have to because if I express to much emotion I start to get dizzy, have mood swings and breakout in violent streaks. My sisters have never gotten sick so I think that I have a weak ammune system out of all my sisters.
  I don't ever wish this pain or sadness I have on anyone else because if I were to have never grown up at a young age of 10, I couldn't take care of my successful big sister and popular little sister.My big sister is 16, my little sister is 13 and I just turned 15.
 Before when I was 7 or 8 my mom put me in Ballet lessons, at first I hated it but later on loved it but one day my mom told me to stop all-together, my mom said it was for my own good but my dad said that my health got worse because I would get sick everyday but still practice which only deteriorated my health little by little but we couldn't go to the hospital back then because we hardly had money then not even enough to get a phone, or computer.
 Me and my sisters were brought up by hardships and difficulties but we were disciplined to work hard and start cleaning around the house by the age of 5. Even so my little sis got the royal treatment and hardly cleans, my big sis got into a advanced high school like an early college with college courses and is to busy to clean so I am taking over 2 of my sisters chores and at the end of the day they take the credit for what I do.
 At school my sisters tell me to pretend I don't know them because it would embarrass them to have a sister like me. Though them saying that hurt deep inside my heart I cant disappoint them and drag them down. All I can do is Write stories, read fast, listen to music and clean our house. Due to the stress I collaped at school about twice, all the worry's, and labor took a toll on my body.
 I got accepted into the school my big sister got into because my mother wanted to. I think this school might be too much because my big sis who doesnt do her chore can hardly handle the school assignments. And the only reason I got accepted is because I am always in the shadow of my sister, so everyone expects me to just as good as my sister. It really painful to actually hear your teachers say that since Donna is smart that is expected of me. Its like I am not even myself, I am my sisters sister to everyone.

B.A.P

I made this cause I was bored.

Zelo's Mask!!!!

My father is going to call about a sewing machine tomorrow and the first thing I want to make with it is Zelo's Mask. I mean it stands out and makes Zelo look cool. I want to make a cool one like him. I mean look! It is so cool!

I love that he is older than me even if it is by only 5 months. Anyways I plan on making all these mask's. My parents disaprove of me wanting to hang out with people so I am really glad that I found B.A.P because now I have something to research about, learn about and to have an inspiration.

Jang Geun Suk

 I got into in a Korean drama called "Mary stayed out all night" and got really interested by Jang Geun Suk for some reason. But I listened to the song "My Precious" by him. and it made me cry, it was so beautiful and had a soft yet firm sound. Anyways His looks: He looks like he is alot of fun to be around but is like a teddy bear. You don't want to let go once it has become a treasured item to you. His eyes are glossy speculating he make himself and others around him happy. His acting is superb, he carries out his role as the character himself, almost as if he had become the character. All-in-All he is a most definite choice of a guy who I would want to date despite of age difference.

My painfully sad 1st love

   His name was Ryan Jones, he was in the class next to mine in 4th and 5th grade. I secretly looked at him in 4th grade because I told myself not to communicate with others because in 3rd grade when I was bullied everyone I talked to all were bullied because of me, so I limited myself to only talk to myself and to never trust anyone near me. But when I began to get bullied in 4th grade nobody minded it because it was one of those "oh she didn't talk to me so why should I talk to her?" kind of thing.
   Yet somehow a boy I had only watched from a distance, talked to me one day I was crying on the playground. I had suicidal thoughts everyday, but somehow that boy named Ryan stirred an emotion inside me even I didn't know I had. I didn't know at that time that the warm feeling in my chest would turn ice cold.
   When I cried and sometimes when I didn't cry Ryan would comfort me by hugging me, talking to me and occasionally tell me that I was a very brittle flower. He always had a way with words because he loved poetry. I remember one verse he said very clearly, "Your a very brittle flower, you could snap at any time but your delicate and need lots of care, yet even the most brittle flower make it out of a storm." That was a verse he told me.
  At the same time I experienced that new feeling I felt a great amount of fear of being separated so I tried to push myself from my feeling. I tried so hard not express my feelings to Ryan so we occasionally would talk. He kept comforting for 4th and 5th grade.
   I mixed so many feelings to the point that on the last day of elementary school, me and Ryan were instant messaging each other and I accidentally wrote "That's what I love about you." I hadn't noticed til I pressed enter. I tried to clear up the situation but I just couldn't take it anymore so I told him I loved him. I immediately signed off and the next day he wasn't on so I wrote him a "Sorry" note, telling him to forget all about it. Since then I haven't heard from him and my first love was never answered to this day.
 It has been 4 years since then but me and my stupid self cant seem to forget the feeling I had with him. I have nudged these feelings into my heart and they wont come out no matter how hard I try, he is stuck in my head. I....don't know anymore.
Though through this I have learned about life, death, meanings, loneliness, and non-existing trust.

B.A.P Labeling

B.A.P is a hip hop South Korean K-pop boy band. The band consist of 6 members.

Note: I have just found out about them today and am going off their pictures.

Bang Yong Guk is a Songwriter, rapper, singer, and dancer. He is considered the Leader and Main Rapper of the band. His bunny is Red (Shishimato). His looks: He is very gorgeous that lots of girls would kill for. His eyes seem to be very playful but very responsible for his actions yet somewhat shy, like a cute little puppy. Also a feeling of thankfulness to his fans and surrounding support.

Kim Him Chan is a Rapper, singer, and dancer. He is considered the Vocalist, Rapper, and Visual of the band. His bunny is Pink (Tatsmato). His looks: He is exceptionally beautiful that he lets off as a 'Perfect Man' aura to any girl. His eyes seem like diamonds meaning in physically and mentally. His eyes are of a clear conscience and like a diamond he started out rough but slowly and swiftly chiseled to become a clear object of desire.And to me he seems to have almost childlike qualities.

Jung Dae Hyun is a singer and dancer. He is considered the Main Vocalist of the band. His bunny is White (Kekemato). His looks: He has a certain shine to him that draws people in like a willing hypnotism. His eyes have a unique ability to make those around him happy like under a hypnotism. And just like a hypnotist, practice is needed to make perfect, in his eyes he reflects a world that he can manipulate to make fun, cheerful, and happy like his personality.

Yoo Young Jae is a singer and dancer. He is considered the Lead Vocalist of the band. His bunny is Yellow (Jokomato). His looks: When you look at him you think of a certain mystery in him, a mystery which its answer is easy but getting the answer is difficult. His eyes are radiant yet seems to hold many secrets, not meant for human ears. Like any mystery you need to look closely and understand the subject in need of being solved. I feel like he is a bit sad over something.

Moon Jong Up is a dancer and singer. He is considered a Vocalist and the Main Dancer of the band. His bunny is Green (Dadamato). His looks: When everything seems calm, when he walks in its a jumbled mess(in a good way) like a tremendous earthquake. His eyes seem relaxed like the saying "Calm before the storm", an unpredictable earthquake that make small tremors like opening acts for the ultimate shake.

Choi Jun Hong is a rapper, dancer, singer and beatboxer. He is considered the Lead Rapper, Lead Dancer, and youngest in the band. His bunny is Blue (Totomato). His looks: Like the Ocean, at day playful and fun, at sunset he is breathtaking, at night he shines like the reflection of the moon. His eyes: Like the Ocean his eyes sometimes waver but is stunning when the tide comes in. He seems very honest and will take the world by waves.

This band caught my attention because to me all the members seem to go well with one another and complement each others talents. I found out about this band today and I could just label all of them(A Puppy, Diamond, Hypnotist, Mystery, Earthquake, and the Ocean).

Choi Jun Hong

I learned about Choi Jun Hong today, he has very beautiful, honest eyes, and seems to have a good life, but even though I think that, people say that my eyes are cold and heartless, I want to be my real self and the person who laughs when I am told to or am pretending. Not many people know of Choi Jun Hong because is N.C nobody knows foreign bands like B.A.P or any bands not in the U.S.
Also I love that he colors his hair like me because he has had pink and blonde hair and right now I have pink, orange, and blonde.