My Awkward Hair Phases

First in 2011 near the end of September I cut my hair short and colored it a dark pink.My mom almost killed me because I had long brown hair that she was so proud of. 

Next was right after my surgery at the end of December 2011, in January I bleached my hair and kept it white for a week while I went to school. After that week I colored my hair purple. It stayed like that til April then I started experimenting.

Then for the end of May, 2012, it was a Social at school so my mom dyed my hair blonde because we were out of Bleach and the tips and roots of my hair turned white and the pink that was in my hair turned a pinkish purple color, the day of the social my mother bought some bright orange from Sally's and just dyed my roots orange so it would look great with my dress.

I have dyed my hair a total of..............15 times and my hair luckily hasn't fallen out yet.

I dyed my hair again on 8/6/12 for my first day of high school. I was rushing because it was the before we started school and at first my mom wanted to bleach my hair go to school, come home, and dye my hair but I didn't want that.

On Valentines day of 2013 I colored my hair back to my natural hair color of sandy brown. I was planing on confessing my love to the boy I liked but he went with a girl and they kissed so my heart was crushed on valentines night. I want to start embracing how I used to look and try and love myself since I cant love at all.

On May 30th, 2013. My birthday. My sister cut my hair for me!! Now I have bangs! YAY!! I decided this for a hairstyle I want to do over summer but it was cut a bit shorter than I wanted do I have to let it grow out a bit.

On June 23rd, 2013. I got a Mohawk!! I finally did it!! I went to a salon and got both sides cut. :D I think I might cut it shorter though because it doesn't feel right. I do like it at this length but maybe if its shorter I can manipulate it easier. My fake smile still stays and seems very convincing. 

On August 18th, 2013. I cut my hair even shorter because of Brendon Urie's hair in "This is Gospel" by P!ATD. I like to experiment with my hair so I want blue hair next!! BLUE!! BLUE!!! 
On January 1st, I cut off all my hair and only left an inch where my mohawk was and 1/8 inch on the sides. New Year Resolution!

Blood on the Dance Floor

I love Blood on the Dance Floor. Their music is amazing. Some songs may be vulgar but I love'em! And some songs are really inspiring which is what I admire about their music. But I also admire Dahvie and Jayy themselves. They have characteristics that make them so darn addictive.
BOTDF's music is misjudged by alot of people and I don't like that. People say that but they only see songs like "Scream for my Ice-Cream", "Sexting" and "I heart Hello Kitty". It really makes me want to slam them in font of my laptop and make them listen to "You are the Heart", "The Right to Love" and "Crucified by your Lies". When I asked my 'friends' about BOTDF's music they said they've heard of them but that their music is "vulgar and obscene". When they said this I put my ear-bud in their ear and played "You are the Heart" and "The Right to Love", after the songs finished my 'friends' seemed shocked and had a more reassured look on their face and one said that her view of them "took a 180 degree turn". There is music that we don't understand but you don't know if you don't understand it, if you don't open your mind to everything and listen. I mean BOTDF have released 40 singles, 1 compilation album and 6 albums total. People are entitled to their opinion but I am not forcing them, I am persuading them. Big difference. Their music is something I look forward to listening to everyday. I wake up everyday and go to their Youtube channel to see if they released any new music. They are currently releasing the album Bad Blood which is totally awesome so far!
Dahvie Vaniy. Dahvies adorable voice doesn't match up with the 'sex-crave' image but because it is, I think it works in his favor and makes him a really cool and unpredictable person. He has been through alot of sh*t which has made him someone I look up to because he struggled through all that and is still making the music he loves despite the issues that arose in the past. I think that Dahvie is really adorable and that makes it hard for me to not get a nose-bleed. ;D I think that the way he shows his love is flashy and wild but that makes him a wonder among everything. 
Jayy Von Monroe. Its a shame he is only interested in guys but that is what I admire about him. He is so open about it and is not ashamed of it at all. He is a really amazing guy! I believe that people who give him hate because of his sexual preference is just pathetic. I mean, don't slam someones music just because you have a problem with their orientation. I support the gay community and I just don't understand people who are against it. Okay, next... Jayy has a personality that you either absolutely hate or completely find amazing and cool. I find that Jayy is completely amazing and strong although he looks weak. That is probably why people target them both is because they look weak but they don't know he has a strong heart and doesn't give a damn about what people say about him.
Together. When those 2 are together either playing around or making music they seem like great friends. Best Friends. Its something I want but when I watch videos of Jayy and Dahvie playing around and having fun, it makes me think that if I become like them then I can be happy too. I find that Dahvie and Jayy are one of the most playful singers Ive seen and I find that singers who are more playful are more likely to enjoy making their music. And I can definitely see that they both put all their effort into loving their fans. When they are together then they bring out the best qualities in each other.

My Cutting

I am Silent One. I am 15 going to be 16 on May 30th. I started cutting when I was in 6th grade because I couldn't take the stress of bullying, family problems, sexual preferences, no friends, "that" and my medical problems. I have dealt with things in my life that I don't think kids should.
I had to decide if I wanted to die and why.
If I wanted to live and why.
If my life was really worth this suffering.
Why was I alive if not to kill myself.
Why I was targeted.
Why I was the only one in the school.
Was I ugly? I still am
I still deal with suicidal thoughts but I found someone I love but he doesn't know about the cutting. We have been going out for a few weeks but I want to tell in time. I have to deal with this subject myself.
Everyone has a person in the back of their heads telling them to do bad things. That's like with me but my voice is stronger and louder than most because, we, who have been through these things knows what it feels like to be alone and so we listen to the voice and start to talk to them. We are desperate for a friend. I know I was, so I called the voice and he still lives with me loud and clear of his intentions. I have gotten into another couple bands like Sleeping with Sirens, Blood on the Dance floor, Pierce the Veil, B Mike, Snow Patrol, Disturbed, 3 Day Grace and My Chemical Romance (but they just broke up :( )

"Wrists are for bracelets not cutting"

I found this quote and I thought about about it for a long time. And he is right, we need the bracelets to hide the scars of the past and memories of the present. We want to cover up something that we did to ourselves and it's sad that even now, there are kids who think like me.
We need the cutting.
I crave for the pain.
I want to know my reality is real
I want an escape for my life and be someone else if only for a minute.
I think that Kellin Quinn said this because he may have so many fans but some commit suicide. It must influence him and how he lives and thinks. But maybe he has dealt with cutting personally and doesn't like it. He, in my opinion is alright.
Next is Blood on the Dance Floor. I actually admire Jayy's mom for doing what she did even if it made hell his life but not many can survive high school without cutting or some release of anger and pain that they feel. Jayy Von Monroe, he is brave and he rose above and is now standing up against bullying. Though alot of people don't know that, he is. He does Suicide Prevention things and he has 2 things to support him. 1. Blood on the Dance Floor 2. Dahvie Vanity.
He is lucky.
I was in the Butterfly Project but I quit. It hurt soooo much. It worked for 5 months but 2 days ago I couldn't do it anymore so I cut and the pain felt so nice.
On June 12th, 2013 I stopped cutting again because I am now going out with a boy named Tyler and he also used to self harm but 3 months ago he stopped and is now helping me to stop. It hurts a little but I think that all I need is someone who will help me and stay with me through this time. I needed the support that Brandon didnt give me. I broke up with Tyler on October 2nd and I wasn't really shocked. I mean I was a guilt girlfriend and we were using each other as a way to support each other. He already had a girlfriend when he broke up with me but its ok because he helped me for 4-5 months. Its February 6th, 2014 and I did it again. I didn't cut my wrist this time. I started to cut my upper arm. It's easier than facing an army of emotions. Emotions that I am tired of.

My 1st Boyfriend... but he lived thousands of mile away!?!

His name is Brandon! We have been dating since April 8th, 2013 but I bet he doesn't remember. His birthday is on May 7th. He turns 17 this year. He is the sweetest, kindest, most considerate, loyal boyfriends you could have. He talks Irish but has a British accent. His voice is deep and his accent is strong but that makes him more attractive. I loved him! I wish others could understand. My friends just said it was a passing thing for me because he was technically my 1st boyfriend.
We first messaged each other when he was just randomly saying hi and I talked to him about a problem I was having with Sebastian. He hinted about liking me but then straight out said 'I love you'.

On April 23rd, 2013 we had been talking about spending the rest of our lives together and pics of ring went to future marriage and then he asked the question. Of course I said yes! I loved him and he accepts everything about me, I think. I hadn't told him about my parents because I don't want him to feel bad since his dad abused him and his mom treated him bad. I didn't want him to suffer. No! I wont allow sadness. I am tired of being the depressed girl in the corner who detaches herself from everyone and everything.


On April 30th, 2013 I Skyped with him for 12 minutes and 23 seconds. I was so happy to see him in real time! Really happy but I saw the inevitable truth that when I get home from school we only have 3 hours together and sometimes less. I want him here with me but that is just a dream for another 5 years. Yes, I planned on dating him for 5 years.
We have had bad past's but I would have to say his childhood is really sad. He was prematurely born so his lungs burst and he was about to die. Also his dad would beat him. It was a sad and cruel thing. He is an amazing person but on May 25th, 2013 I broke up with him because my feelings for him were not the same. First boyfriends are really sad because we talked about spending our life together and we broke up after 2 months.

This is why I will not get attached again!
We decided to get married as soon as possible ( In 5 years)
We are going to Fiji for our honeymoon
We will have 1 boy named Alex and 1 girl named Ashley
We are going to have a golden Labrador

I made myself sad because I knew it was not going to happen but I wanted it to SO badly!!

My not so happy happiness!

Why does my sisters hate me?
I have taken so much pain for them and they treat me like trash! If you read my other blog then you understand how I feel but in short I dont want to live! I want eveything to be repaired and though we may come out worse than we could possibly be. I dont want my sister to remember the day she called me a " good for nothing peice of trash". I want to be a suppotive sister but I cant if they wont let me!



I live for my sisters but are they done with me?
I dont know! I am thrown like trash. I am scattered until I am identified as useless and thrown away! I hate that! The feeling of being thrown away just to be brought back out and thrown away again gives me a pain in my heart that I don't understand!