My Cutting

I am Silent One. I am 15 going to be 16 on May 30th. I started cutting when I was in 6th grade because I couldn't take the stress of bullying, family problems, sexual preferences, no friends, "that" and my medical problems. I have dealt with things in my life that I don't think kids should.
I had to decide if I wanted to die and why.
If I wanted to live and why.
If my life was really worth this suffering.
Why was I alive if not to kill myself.
Why I was targeted.
Why I was the only one in the school.
Was I ugly? I still am
I still deal with suicidal thoughts but I found someone I love but he doesn't know about the cutting. We have been going out for a few weeks but I want to tell in time. I have to deal with this subject myself.
Everyone has a person in the back of their heads telling them to do bad things. That's like with me but my voice is stronger and louder than most because, we, who have been through these things knows what it feels like to be alone and so we listen to the voice and start to talk to them. We are desperate for a friend. I know I was, so I called the voice and he still lives with me loud and clear of his intentions. I have gotten into another couple bands like Sleeping with Sirens, Blood on the Dance floor, Pierce the Veil, B Mike, Snow Patrol, Disturbed, 3 Day Grace and My Chemical Romance (but they just broke up :( )

"Wrists are for bracelets not cutting"

I found this quote and I thought about about it for a long time. And he is right, we need the bracelets to hide the scars of the past and memories of the present. We want to cover up something that we did to ourselves and it's sad that even now, there are kids who think like me.
We need the cutting.
I crave for the pain.
I want to know my reality is real
I want an escape for my life and be someone else if only for a minute.
I think that Kellin Quinn said this because he may have so many fans but some commit suicide. It must influence him and how he lives and thinks. But maybe he has dealt with cutting personally and doesn't like it. He, in my opinion is alright.
Next is Blood on the Dance Floor. I actually admire Jayy's mom for doing what she did even if it made hell his life but not many can survive high school without cutting or some release of anger and pain that they feel. Jayy Von Monroe, he is brave and he rose above and is now standing up against bullying. Though alot of people don't know that, he is. He does Suicide Prevention things and he has 2 things to support him. 1. Blood on the Dance Floor 2. Dahvie Vanity.
He is lucky.
I was in the Butterfly Project but I quit. It hurt soooo much. It worked for 5 months but 2 days ago I couldn't do it anymore so I cut and the pain felt so nice.
On June 12th, 2013 I stopped cutting again because I am now going out with a boy named Tyler and he also used to self harm but 3 months ago he stopped and is now helping me to stop. It hurts a little but I think that all I need is someone who will help me and stay with me through this time. I needed the support that Brandon didnt give me. I broke up with Tyler on October 2nd and I wasn't really shocked. I mean I was a guilt girlfriend and we were using each other as a way to support each other. He already had a girlfriend when he broke up with me but its ok because he helped me for 4-5 months. Its February 6th, 2014 and I did it again. I didn't cut my wrist this time. I started to cut my upper arm. It's easier than facing an army of emotions. Emotions that I am tired of.

My 1st Boyfriend... but he lived thousands of mile away!?!

His name is Brandon! We have been dating since April 8th, 2013 but I bet he doesn't remember. His birthday is on May 7th. He turns 17 this year. He is the sweetest, kindest, most considerate, loyal boyfriends you could have. He talks Irish but has a British accent. His voice is deep and his accent is strong but that makes him more attractive. I loved him! I wish others could understand. My friends just said it was a passing thing for me because he was technically my 1st boyfriend.
We first messaged each other when he was just randomly saying hi and I talked to him about a problem I was having with Sebastian. He hinted about liking me but then straight out said 'I love you'.

On April 23rd, 2013 we had been talking about spending the rest of our lives together and pics of ring went to future marriage and then he asked the question. Of course I said yes! I loved him and he accepts everything about me, I think. I hadn't told him about my parents because I don't want him to feel bad since his dad abused him and his mom treated him bad. I didn't want him to suffer. No! I wont allow sadness. I am tired of being the depressed girl in the corner who detaches herself from everyone and everything.


On April 30th, 2013 I Skyped with him for 12 minutes and 23 seconds. I was so happy to see him in real time! Really happy but I saw the inevitable truth that when I get home from school we only have 3 hours together and sometimes less. I want him here with me but that is just a dream for another 5 years. Yes, I planned on dating him for 5 years.
We have had bad past's but I would have to say his childhood is really sad. He was prematurely born so his lungs burst and he was about to die. Also his dad would beat him. It was a sad and cruel thing. He is an amazing person but on May 25th, 2013 I broke up with him because my feelings for him were not the same. First boyfriends are really sad because we talked about spending our life together and we broke up after 2 months.

This is why I will not get attached again!
We decided to get married as soon as possible ( In 5 years)
We are going to Fiji for our honeymoon
We will have 1 boy named Alex and 1 girl named Ashley
We are going to have a golden Labrador

I made myself sad because I knew it was not going to happen but I wanted it to SO badly!!